Dear Benedict Cumberbatch

This So You Don’t Know Me But… brought to you by Lane Brown. You can visit him at his blog.

Dear Honeycutt Candycrush,

I’m a huge fan. I think you’re a fabulous Sherlock Holmes. You portrayed one of my heroes, Alan Turing, stupendously. And frankly, everything I know about you as a human being indicates that you’re a fun, easygoing and genuinely nice human being, which is not something you can always say about celebrities.

As a result, I feel slightly guilty about the name game. You know, the one where I say Crackerjack Applesauce and people immediately know I mean Bandicoot Cucumber. Or, maybe guilty isn’t totally accurate. It’s more that I spend an odd amount of time wondering how you feel about the whole thing. You do seem to have a good sense of humor about such things, and my best efforts haven’t turned up any examples of you saying anything against it. Then again, I don’t pay much attention to celebrity stuff, so maybe you said it long ago and I just couldn’t find it. My searches were all pretty flooded with yet more examples of the name game.

Overall, I feel like it’s safe to assume you don’t take any offense. It’s pretty clear that nobody is doing this to say “Dragnet Butterscotch has such a weird, dumb name. We will mock it.” Everybody who does this likes you as much as I do. It’s really just mocking ourselves and, for the language geeks, playing with an odd phenomenon (have you seen any of the articles on how this phenomenon works? Or how to create a Banana Curious name generator? They’re fascinating). We love your name. We love you.

But I just thought I’d go on record as saying that if I ever hear that you don’t like the name game, that you don’t think it’s funny and you can’t wait for it to stop, I will stop. No matter how much I’ll miss it, nevermore will Benefit Handyman or Buttery Cardigan or Backstroke Penguin pass my lips.

Sincerely,

P.S. That’s a brown lane. Because my name is Lane Brown. I dunno, it was funny in my head.

Dear Me, Life sucks and it’s gonna get worse. But after that…

Dear Jess,

So you don’t know me (yet), but you will.

First off, before you read this….  SPOILERS!  (One day, you’re gonna find that funny and pity anyone Who doesn’t get it.)

Right now you’re 18, pregnant, and scared out of your mind (and too proud to admit you have no idea what you’re doing and just how scared you are).   Things with the father of the child you’re growing are bad…  and they’re only going to get worse.  For the first time in your life, all you want is your mother (you’re too proud to admit that too).

You’re about to do something that, a week ago, you would have punched anyone who suggested it… you’re going to ask your mother to take you in.  You have it in your head that you’ll move back in and put everything in the past behind you.  You’ll finally bond and she’ll be there to talk you through all the hurt, fears, loss and confusion you have right now.  You’re clinging on to that picture in your head for dear life because you don’t have anything else to cling to…  it’s the only hope you have.

I wish I could tell you that it works out that way, but it doesn’t. Continue reading

Adam Needs a Hug

Lane Brown wrote this week’s So you don’t know me, but… letter.  You guys should go check his blog out at The Writerly Blog of Lane William Brown when you get a chance.  🙂

Dear Adam,

I want to give you such a hug. Most people don’t realize how much you need one. Most people don’t even know what your name is. They think it’s Frankenstein. Sometimes they know that Frankenstein was actually the name of the mad scientist, but even most people who know that think your name is Frankenstein’s Monster. I dunno which is worse, calling you by the name of that jerkface who made you and then abandoned you, or defining you solely as his monster. I suppose that isn’t too unexpected, though. You are only referred to as “Adam” in the book a couple of times and they could be interpreted as metaphors, but I still feel like it’s clear that you think of yourself as an Adam, so as far as I’m concerned, that’s your name.

But anyway I love you, and what I love most about you is how badly you wanted to be better. I read about how, after Frankenstein abandoned you, you made friends with an old blind man who taught you, not only how to speak, but reading, literature… basically you got the classical education. And most of it you got it by eavesdropping on him teaching other people. You learned by witnessing others get the nurturing, loving education that you were denied. Then you had a glimmer of a chance of a friendship with this old blind tutor, but when his sighted children saw you, and told him how you looked, you were cast out.

I wouldn’t have cast you out. I might have been a bit squicked out and awkward at first, I’m sure, but I would have tried to cover up and been polite. After time, I’m sure, I would grow used to how you look and not even be bothered by it. I would have happily talked literature with you all day. Continue reading

Hate Mail to Chapter 2

So You Don’t Know Me, But…

Dear Chapter 2,

I have lived with you for a couple of months now.  You have haunted my dreams (nightmares, really) and kept me up at night.  I basically HATE You!

I think it was somewhere around the writing of Chapter 15 that I started to realize you may not “fit.”  But I kept writing…  I continued to force myself to ignore your presence until I typed “The End” at the completion of my first draft.  I told myself that I would take care of you then.

Continue reading

So you don’t know me but… You’ve ruined television for me. FOREVER!!!

Dear People Who Cancel All My Favorite Shows on TV:

WHY???  Seriously…HOW COULD YOU????

Ok, I admit it….I don’t have cable.  I have Hulu, Netflix and Amazon Prime.  Not because I don’t love your shows, but because I don’t have enough free time during the week to devote to watching television.  So, I guess I could see your argument for me contributing to the low ratings…

However, I am not alone.  Everyday there are more and more of us opting out of regular cable and catching our fav shows the next day (or whenever we have a spare hour) on Hulu.  Or we binge watch when we have a free weekend on Netflix.   HELLOOOOO!!!!!  Are you hearing me????  WE ARE YOUR NEW DEMOGRAPHIC!!!  It’s about time you took us into consideration!

As such, I demand that you bring back the following shows ASAP: Continue reading