Dear Benedict Cumberbatch

This So You Don’t Know Me But… brought to you by Lane Brown. You can visit him at his blog.

Dear Honeycutt Candycrush,

I’m a huge fan. I think you’re a fabulous Sherlock Holmes. You portrayed one of my heroes, Alan Turing, stupendously. And frankly, everything I know about you as a human being indicates that you’re a fun, easygoing and genuinely nice human being, which is not something you can always say about celebrities.

As a result, I feel slightly guilty about the name game. You know, the one where I say Crackerjack Applesauce and people immediately know I mean Bandicoot Cucumber. Or, maybe guilty isn’t totally accurate. It’s more that I spend an odd amount of time wondering how you feel about the whole thing. You do seem to have a good sense of humor about such things, and my best efforts haven’t turned up any examples of you saying anything against it. Then again, I don’t pay much attention to celebrity stuff, so maybe you said it long ago and I just couldn’t find it. My searches were all pretty flooded with yet more examples of the name game.

Overall, I feel like it’s safe to assume you don’t take any offense. It’s pretty clear that nobody is doing this to say “Dragnet Butterscotch has such a weird, dumb name. We will mock it.” Everybody who does this likes you as much as I do. It’s really just mocking ourselves and, for the language geeks, playing with an odd phenomenon (have you seen any of the articles on how this phenomenon works? Or how to create a Banana Curious name generator? They’re fascinating). We love your name. We love you.

But I just thought I’d go on record as saying that if I ever hear that you don’t like the name game, that you don’t think it’s funny and you can’t wait for it to stop, I will stop. No matter how much I’ll miss it, nevermore will Benefit Handyman or Buttery Cardigan or Backstroke Penguin pass my lips.

Sincerely,

P.S. That’s a brown lane. Because my name is Lane Brown. I dunno, it was funny in my head.

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